Last week's hurt... (8/5/09)

Hurt/betrayal/any title is so cliche.

There is no hope. There is no such thing as romantic love. If you're stupid enough to believe that "the one" is out there waiting for you, you are one of the lucky ones. Much like not-so-witty but oh-so-true adage "everyone dies" is the cold hard truth that "everyone lies". Perhaps it isn't such a harsh reality. Once you know and adjust- you can become superior. Completely immune to the frustration and sorrow. At 29, my goal is to no longer sob and weep when he hurts me. At 16, yes it was a surprise but at 29??? OF COURSE he fucked two other girls not even 24 hours after I left his bed. Never mind the fact that I am sexually obligated to an average of four men a week. When I do it, it's for entirely different reasons.

Coping- drugs and detachment. Perhaps the reason I like rough sex is because I can strip away all of the fluff and lose myself in the choking and name calling. No matter how smart, successful or attractive I am I will always be nothing more than just a gash.

Father's Day

I could write a book about the love hate relationship I've had with my dad. The same man who broke my toys, flushed my fish down the toilet, burned my posters off my wall, called me a stupid ass, etc, etc, also still cuts my steak, stood in line for my books in college, rescued me when I was stranded in Highland Park and so on. So, I love him to pieces. But- why do I hate most men? Hmmm. Tell me doc? I love their cocks, kisses, attention. Wait- I need their attention. But, I also like hurting them. Oddly enough, some of my closest friends are male. I feel a strange competition with males though. I'm always trying to outsmart, out tough them.

Gotta run- mom doesn't want me late for Father's Day but this is just scratching the surface.

Turbulence

What a week. But- I feel good. I feel happy. I feel relieved. I'm back on my Lamictal. I'm accepting money for "listening". I'm dreaming of a better life. David still has me wrapped around his pinky. I saw him Monday and Wed and we did our usual dinner, followed by a trip into his hot tub, followed by sex which makes me feel good but never makes me cum. His life makes me sick. He makes more in a month than I make in a year and yet I tried sales and couldn't hack it. So- this week finds me almost 29 years old, realizing that time is running out. I am ready to sell my soul, do whatever I have to do to have the good life. I cannot go on much longer in a life of poverty. My existence is exactly what I swore I would never become. I look down upon my parents for never making anything of themselves despite their advanced degrees and here I am, almost 30 with NOTHING.
So- I know that I'm good at fucking, good at a mild amount of extortion and game playing so that is what I will focus on. I may not be able to sell a fucking printer or hold a normal job but if my life is going to be worth living it is going to involve nice material things.

This entry has irritated me. Back to chores.

Syrup

Today I fought a ticket and caught myself reverting to my signature slow nod when asked if I knew that it was not okay to cut through parking lots. Just a wide eyed, slow nod yes as Mr. Officer said "I understand you spoke with Lt. Shada", I'll dismiss the cell phone ticket but I can only reduce the other to a blockade. Why am I rambling about this? Because in a time when I'm working not one, but two, shitty, remedial jobs and doing horribly at both I have to find a way to tell myself that somewhere inside I have some sort of skill or talent. Otherwise- why even bother getting out of bed? So, I may be poor and unable to hold a "respectable" job but I have perfected my own art. It is the rescue me/fix these broken wings broken little girl game. Coupled with the right amount of cumdumpstery, this makes me and the gentleman caller feel a (completely faux) deep, sensitive connection. "What happened there?" he asks as he looks at my branding scars on my left upper arm, done with a coat hanger and piece of jewelry (at two different times) at age 12. This is when I respond by looking down or away and saying "nothing" or "just a brand from when I was a kid" and then I'm probably thinking about what I'm gonna eat when he leaves or how many cheques I've bounced this week but I keep a deep gaze off into nowhere just for a few moments, then back to him, usually with a gentle kiss. This gives the illusion that I am a complicated, yet troubled, soul (which I am, but, come on). And, eventually, I'll need to go to him for something OR I'll be crying about something and the male rescue reflex will kick in and do something for this damsel in distress, albeit usually something tiny and worthless like a few bucks or drugs.

Poor little me...

I had some great insight this weekend but I was too icky to get out of bed and write. Perhaps it is good- I find that I am definitely ruminating just like my dad does! I always bust his balls for it and now I'm doing it. So- maybe all that ick lost was good. I'm feeling positive tonight- got a bit of coke coursing through my bloodstream, and some happy thoughts, too. I truly think I am afraid to get out of my comfy damsel in distress mode and live! Ra ra ra! Tony Robbins ain't got shit on me. :)

This weekend I pseudo attempted to get myself offed. Well, not really but I did have an off the wall, back of the mind hope that my last minute guest might have more in store for me than massage and butt play (for him, mostly).

Old habits die hard

Nope- not as fun as it sounds. The old habit being, my lack of writing and then my fear of writing because I want it to be good enough, even though the purpose of this was to write just to write.

Been having such a mundane aldult life, peppered with deep thoughts and emotions. Spending more time with mom, sis, and reaching out to dad. Spending less time with men. Declared celibacy which worked until I was seduced by a huge cock about a week ago. Anytime someone can show up with drugs and dick, I'm probably gonna be a fan.

Okay- I'm too shifty to do this right now-

Was complaining about being tired but now I'm jittery from the addy. It is a constant chase for the perfect buzz or distraction lately. I can't even focus on writing this and I promised my mom I would write a warm memory for her for mother's day. I'm good with material gifts but that is gonna take some work.

Last night I almost cried while I was getting fucked from behind from our newest member. I wanted the addy he had because I nodded off while driving Monday and was pooped yesterday and as much as I hate to admit it- I kind of wanted the company. I haven't cum in a while, although there is a bond being formed with E again and I think I might have this weekend sometime. I get so wet and because we are on so many drugs, sex always seems like a dream sequence. There is just something off and femme about him though.

So- I was freshly showered, worried about work, and bent over my tiny little futon getting railed from behind when I actually felt like I might cry. Not just because the sex was doing nothing for me, but because it wasn't distracting me the way I needed it to. Once, when David broke my heart the first of many times I was having sex with Eric and burst into tears. Nothing like getting dumped by the guy who refused to make you his gf and going to the guy who you

Thoughts

After a week of feeling increasingly icky and blue; I am starting to come out of it. And, I'm starting to think. About stuff. All kinds of stuff. What do I want? Who am I? Who am I presenting myself to others as? Why after all of these years, all of the things I've learned and experienced am I still pissing away my pain and thoughts on seeking validation from others? This week- I was feeling more alone than ever. Yes- it is selfish; I have others to think of and am lucky for many things. Like the "accident" this week. No description of this event will come close to experiencing it and I hesitate to even attempt to describe it. Perhaps I'll hold off for now. Basically- I spun through rush hour, full speed traffic in broad daylight. The car spun around and faced oncoming traffic. I'll approach an entire essay about it but it is almost cliche to describe it. Anyway- this is the second of the type and I wound up unharmed again. This should have been enough to snap me out of it but maybe this wasted week of feeling sorry for myself was good to detox from these false exchanges that have fueled so much of my self worth. 1:36 am sat nite/sun morning. I'll come back to this...

Ennui

I know I sound like a chronic complainer but...

Something is officially wrong. I am feeling blue, when I'm feeling at all. Vicodin gives way to coke gives way to anything that changes my state. Up and down- and the boys are getting to me, too. I saw J last week in a social setting and it brought back "feelings" that I didn'tknow I had. Sadness, lust, frustration. The fact that he got under my skin bothers me too. He fucked someone else while we were allegedly fueding but even if I'm fucking several; I need to be center stage. I thought he would come chasing after me when I saw him but it was only a mild pursuit ending with him saying that he simply can't play the fool- blah blah. That's no fun! Betrayal is the name of the game. When I meet a male that won't and hasn't torn me apart the first chance he gets than I won't relish the feeling of glee I get when I

Penises are becoming obsolete...

More to come on this one. I dealt with erectile dysfunction from a 37 year old and a 27 year old within 24 hours of each other. And I found out that someone called me a "butterface" so it has left me wondering "is it me?" Also, a little bit of pre-action oral on a 36 year old turned out to be his main event after about 60 seconds. Um- aren't older guys supposed to last? After he blew his wad; I knew there was no penetration for me (refractory period on oldies sucks) so after wasting his time licking my cunt (oral bores me) I finally got him to use his hands. As of late, two other gentleman have been able to get me off in a very pleasing and extreme way using just their hands. I even started squirting like in the pornos! So- I directed 36 to the same thing and had myself a nice little orgasm in his marital bed. Couple that with my toy and you can see why penises everywhere might become passe. Ha- who am I kidding? I love the cock.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I woke up in the middle of the night with the driest mouth ever from the amount of salt I put on my rare filet before the precious argument with David. Stomach was also acting up and I ended up chatting with J at around 3ish. Then back to bed and finally up and off to work. I have been faced with this odd sort of anxiety lately and a touch of depression but I made a lunch break with an old pal and that warmed me up although it was crashed by a douchebag. Running out of V is just around the corner and I am actually looking forward to it. Not in an "I'm gonna get clean" sort of way, but in a forced break so that not only do I no longer need David as a source, when I find my own source the buzz will be good bc I will have had a chance to detox for a bit. Silver lining, eh? Also, although I didn't sell anything today; I felt really good and as though I'm coming into my own at work. AND then- to top it all off, I get a call from my old employer offering me part time/temp work! This means I can work to fill the lonely time and dig out of this financial quagmire I am in. Life will be good again. My stomach still has that dull ache that accompanies not just depression but this weird anxiety that I've been dealing with but I know it will all be okay. If only I could train Giovanni to say "every little thing, gonna be alright" and stroke my hair. But; my mom and sis were both pretty excited for me and I celebrated by charging (I know but this ain't an overnight fix and the bank says no more bounced checks) some food at target and new undies for my nieces because the hairbows I got them for Easter just didn't seem like enough. I also got in a quick workout and was at 127.6 which put a smile on my face although I haven't felt attractive or sexual in days. I'm gonna end the night with a puff and some reading and like Scarlett says "after all, tomorrow is a new day" (I think she said that)

Welcome home, Ulcer!

Twists. And knots. Ugh. Very nervous lately and last night I downed the rest of my bismuth before bed. My tummy was distended and blessing me with the kind of "issue" that leaves one doubled over in pain. My mom knows something is wrong and I promised I'd call her after House MD (we both watch) but instead I took 2 Klonopin and went back and from from bed to toilet until I could finally drift off. Not to mention the headache that had me eating motrin then tylenol and still pounding as if from inside. I dozed off with said headache but today was not so bad. My nose won't stop running but I took some Claritin and a single V as I am out and David (my source) is heading to Vegas and forgot that I might NEED some. I'm sure he just overlooked it. Must have been an honest mistake. Nice guy.

But- the good news is that I got an "atta boy" from my boss! This whole hard work thing is kind of fun. Makes me feel better about the calls from Comcast and GMAC regarding past due payments. And that pesky note/eviction notice on the door of my shitty apartment? No big deal, right? I can come up with the rest of April's rent in 7 days even though I don't get paid again til the 18th? Hmmm... Time to return that guy's call that wanted me to do "adult erotic photos"...

Nice- a dinner with David turned into a fight bc I started a trend of animal photos being shown to the bartender and he was sick of the "Courtney Show" and me being an ungrateful bitch. Thanks. The night ended in tears and him dragging his suitcase out of here( I was going to take him to and fro the airport) and basically telling me that I'm just a terrible person. I have cried and I am so sick of men hating me for everything except the warm, wet hole that gets their dick wet. Good night, cruel world. I know this will pass.

The downside of single life.

I'm lonely. It's official. A Sunday spent alone and unable to get anyone to hang out with me is pretty sobering. Even E, who never says no said no to me today. And- I was hoping that he would supply me with some coke and adderol. Wah. I really want someone to cuddle with me today. It is the Sunday of my period which always means it stops and then starts again so it is heavy and I can't fuck but I really crave human interaction. I have been sleeping as much as possible. Idle time murders me. Days like today leave me feeling empty and worthless. I beg for someone to serve me tea and wrap their arms around my 25.5" waist but the only male who wants to be around me right now is Giovanni.

Ugh- 7:02! It's only 7:02! I'm so ready for this awful day to be over. David was kind enough to extend a half hearted invite for me to come over tonight and I am almost desperate enough to take it. However, we are getting snow so I can't because it would extend my 15 min drive to over an hour. E still doesn't want to hang. Married guy can't text because his wife his home. S hasn't bothered to contact me because he knows I'm on the rag and doesn't like blow jobs. J is "working" which usually means sleeping with someone younger than me and lying to me about it. My girlfriends are all otherwise involved. My sis is busy with the kids. My dad is doing taxes. I AM SO FUCKING ALONE. If I had an Ambien I could fade to black but E is my Ambien source and he wants nothing to do with me. I've eaten everything I have that is mildly low cal and I think that maybe if I lose a few pounds it would help how I feel. The hot Mexican guy was nice enough to send me a picture of his cock- whoo hoo! Little tiny C was nice enough to offer to smoke with me and when I told him I don't want to get physical it was retracted. If I wasn't broke I could maybe do something but this is rock bottom.

8:45 fighting with J. This is fun.

4.4.09

Saturday. Final Four. My lower back hurts from not getting out of bed for about 12 hours. Was in bed my 10 last night and have had the hardest time making anything happen today. My less than quarterly (hormone altered) period is here so no vaginal sex until Wed or Thurs. Wah. Yes, I still have my ass and mouth but I feel so unsexy when I'm on the rag. However, it is a nice respite for the kitty since she has been getting her share of visitors lately. Maybe that's the real reason Mother Nature invented periods. Fuck fertility- the pussy probably petitioned for a break from all of the constant abuse! Well, she got it but it cost her two of her dearest pals: anus and throat. Oh well, there is a camaraderie nonetheless since they all have to work as a team to keep the machine running. And that's just the sex organs! I have yet to ask the liver, pancreas or kidneys how they feel about the constant stream of V and other miscellaneous toxins that they have been battling since their home starting drinking at 12, popping acid at 14, and doing coke and pills at 15. Hey-at least they made it through that nasty bout of Anorexia at age 11 that left her "near comatose". Turns out that 83 pounds is too light for a growing adolescent girl of 5'6", who knew????

Anyway- that's all for now, gotta get some chores done so that I can start celebrating!!! Go team! Yeah, basketball!!!

Woe is me!

Am I unhappy or do I just like being a damsel in distress? I'm not sure and I'm not sure if I want to know. Without the drama, the bipolar (to blame what I can't blame on the drugs), the "I'm such a mess" what do I really have? A good friend and I once talked about our depression and how it is such a part of our life that he likened it to a nice warm blanket. Another friend recently quit V and said he was sick of being addicted, to which I replied "I'm not ready to give up addiction just yet- some days it's all I have". My first serious boyfriend once noticed that I am very fond of looking at the past and thinking about how great things were back then- but never living in the moment. I went on to learn that in dime store psychology we call this roseyintrospection- as in looking at the past with rose coloured glasses on. When my shrink and I decided to come up with positive affirmations one of them was "stop and smell the roses" which I honestly rarely do. I do have a bank of warm, fuzzy memories that I go to sometimes, if you take a left at the door labeled "Courtney's erotic material" and zig zag down the hall you will find it across from the closet containing my saddest memories. I opened up the sad ones once for a shoot with Johnny Flamethrower in which we wanted to do something tearful and sexy. However, it quickly turned to blubbering and wailing and he had to stop shooting to comfort me. We did publish a post tear pic called "after the tears" but it wasn't the sexy, Natalie Portman in Closer that I had hoped for. I like all of my memories but I would love to lock out some of those forever. I had one pop in my head that is sad but because my sis in such a great place it doesn't crush me like some of the others.

My oldest neice was 2 and a half and my youngest was a few weeks old. I was leaving the doc after my first pre-surgery physical (this was pre implant so I was still an A cup. that's an awful memory in itself!). I called her on my way into work and she casually mentioned that she was getting a divorce. It hit me worse than any failed relationship of my own ever has and ever will. I sobbed like a baby while my sister had to tell me through her own tears not to come over crying bc Sophia would see us crying and be upset and confused. (Sophia- 2.5) She was so strong and I was so sick over the whole thing. How could this happen? Our parents are still together and I always thought she would have her own fairy tale. Then I felt guilt. Why didn't I pick up on this? Is this karma for all of the things I've done?

I called in sick to work that day and arrived at her place kind of shocked and dazed as she was. The rest of the day is pretty fuzzy aside from the two of us trying to figure out what to do. I had tapped out most or all of my bank account helping her in the past and was about to drop my last 5k on tits. Our dad was starting radiation so we didn't want to freak him out. She couldn't get child support without a divorce without a divorce lawyer without a retainer. We pulled into the local coin and gold (which we thought as a step up from a pawn shop) and I waited with the kids while she went in to find out how much they would give her for her ring so that she could pay rent. I'm pretty sure it was about 800 bucks but I'm not sure if she sold it that very same day and I've never really talked to her about it since.

Now I know why the caged bird sings...

Sorry, I know that isn't original but I always thought she was a genius for that. Anyway- that popped into my head the other night when I was having a very lusty session with S (age 26). I thought "now I know why women become cougars!" because after having sex with ages 37, 28, 30, (sun, tues, wed,) the sex with S was surprisingly refreshing despite his young age. He and I have gone back and forth so many times and one of my main complaints about him is his lack of sexual creativity. I know he has hangups (and a giant JESUS tat on his back) but I had given up on him and ended our affair for the umpteenth time in the past year and a half. Thursday was different though. I showed up with a full tummy, a buzz and immediately undressed and requested a towel so I could shower. We started kissing (which I really don't like to do, especially with him bc he is a smoker) and I found myself getting pretty turned on. Something was different. HE was different. He would gently tug at my hair or squeeze my ribcage (which is actually one of my fave features bc of its prominence) and with his perfect 6'5" frame he was finally living up to his potential.

After my shower, I asked him to come to bed (it was midnight and I work at 8 and knew I still had to go home in the morning) and we were once again pawing at each other as if it were new. I kissed his tummy and admired his perfect muscle definition (yes- the man V), he gave my tits the usual attention but coupled with the type of hard sucking and nibbling of my nipples that turns me to mush. He is not a guy that really likes getting his cock sucked (HANGUPS) but he relaxed a bit and let me go to work for a bit which in turn got me all the more aroused. When we were both ready for actual intercourse, he went to pull me on top but instead I assumed the doggy position and in he slid. I had also forgotten how nice and thick he is and as though he read my mind, he held onto my hips and gradually increased the speed and force of his thrusts until I came. He always pauses to kiss me after I cum, then we start back up and this time he was pulling out new tricks; switching positions and keeping things very erotic and dirtier than usual. Because he holds back, when he let a few moans escape I was done for and came again. Things are blurry after that- I know he eventually came and all that good stuff but I really just wanted to relive that tryst again.

Ouchy

My feet are killing me- or shall I say "my dogs are barking"? A day out in the racy field of copier sales (or lack thereof) in my sensible 4" Jessica Simpson pumps has left me with the gait of a 96 year old woman and lower back pains which always make taking more V justifiable.

Came home to an eager Giovanni, who cleaned his plate for the first time in ages. It was fucking 9 lives special edition or some bullshit that my mom gave me in case of emergency. (Emergency being that I am behind on every bill but Gio musn't go a day without dry and wet food) Turns out that he prefers it to his Fancy Feast- what a lowlife!!!

Last night- started crying while out to dinner with David. I held it back and asked to change the subject when he asked about my job (money is not fun to discuss with someone who makes 4x in a month than what I've made in the last year) but this resulted in being called Debbie Downer by him. I see his point; no one else's problems are that fun to hear about so after I got stoned with him, clogged his toilet (heavy dinner, oops), overflowed his toilet, plunged his toilet, cleaned the bathroom floor, washed the bathroom rugs and took a long hot shower, I made it all better with a bit of fellatio followed by my riding him and tiny o for me but what sounded like a decent O! for him. Then we did the after-fuck shuffle, which I have mastered as to avoid post coitus semen spillage. I go onto my back and take him with me then QUICKLY get mopped up or off of any porous fabric.

K- that's all for now, gotta get in a quick workout and buy snacks for date with Colleen.

3.24.09

Today, not sooo exciting. Spent the night at J's which was nice, though. Lots of "I love yous" and he held my body next to mine which was very comforting. A few times I even thought I might still be alive. I arrived late last night and was on my usual v cocktail, of which I am taking more and more of just to numb the pain. Seeing him was nice but the novelty and excitement wore off as it always does. We had violent sex, then loving, violent sex and I have bruises on my hips where he squeezed so tight while he thrusted deeply into me. My fave part of being a woman is being able to be completely defiled and left whimpering in a soggy mess of my own cum.

Sunday...

Wow. Blogging will be an interesting way for me to write in a much freer form than my journal.

Today- I awoke near 2 with a sore nose from all of the "allergies". Then, I rummaged around for food- in the form of 2 pop tarts.

more to come.