Thoughts

After a week of feeling increasingly icky and blue; I am starting to come out of it. And, I'm starting to think. About stuff. All kinds of stuff. What do I want? Who am I? Who am I presenting myself to others as? Why after all of these years, all of the things I've learned and experienced am I still pissing away my pain and thoughts on seeking validation from others? This week- I was feeling more alone than ever. Yes- it is selfish; I have others to think of and am lucky for many things. Like the "accident" this week. No description of this event will come close to experiencing it and I hesitate to even attempt to describe it. Perhaps I'll hold off for now. Basically- I spun through rush hour, full speed traffic in broad daylight. The car spun around and faced oncoming traffic. I'll approach an entire essay about it but it is almost cliche to describe it. Anyway- this is the second of the type and I wound up unharmed again. This should have been enough to snap me out of it but maybe this wasted week of feeling sorry for myself was good to detox from these false exchanges that have fueled so much of my self worth. 1:36 am sat nite/sun morning. I'll come back to this...

Ennui

I know I sound like a chronic complainer but...

Something is officially wrong. I am feeling blue, when I'm feeling at all. Vicodin gives way to coke gives way to anything that changes my state. Up and down- and the boys are getting to me, too. I saw J last week in a social setting and it brought back "feelings" that I didn'tknow I had. Sadness, lust, frustration. The fact that he got under my skin bothers me too. He fucked someone else while we were allegedly fueding but even if I'm fucking several; I need to be center stage. I thought he would come chasing after me when I saw him but it was only a mild pursuit ending with him saying that he simply can't play the fool- blah blah. That's no fun! Betrayal is the name of the game. When I meet a male that won't and hasn't torn me apart the first chance he gets than I won't relish the feeling of glee I get when I

Penises are becoming obsolete...

More to come on this one. I dealt with erectile dysfunction from a 37 year old and a 27 year old within 24 hours of each other. And I found out that someone called me a "butterface" so it has left me wondering "is it me?" Also, a little bit of pre-action oral on a 36 year old turned out to be his main event after about 60 seconds. Um- aren't older guys supposed to last? After he blew his wad; I knew there was no penetration for me (refractory period on oldies sucks) so after wasting his time licking my cunt (oral bores me) I finally got him to use his hands. As of late, two other gentleman have been able to get me off in a very pleasing and extreme way using just their hands. I even started squirting like in the pornos! So- I directed 36 to the same thing and had myself a nice little orgasm in his marital bed. Couple that with my toy and you can see why penises everywhere might become passe. Ha- who am I kidding? I love the cock.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I woke up in the middle of the night with the driest mouth ever from the amount of salt I put on my rare filet before the precious argument with David. Stomach was also acting up and I ended up chatting with J at around 3ish. Then back to bed and finally up and off to work. I have been faced with this odd sort of anxiety lately and a touch of depression but I made a lunch break with an old pal and that warmed me up although it was crashed by a douchebag. Running out of V is just around the corner and I am actually looking forward to it. Not in an "I'm gonna get clean" sort of way, but in a forced break so that not only do I no longer need David as a source, when I find my own source the buzz will be good bc I will have had a chance to detox for a bit. Silver lining, eh? Also, although I didn't sell anything today; I felt really good and as though I'm coming into my own at work. AND then- to top it all off, I get a call from my old employer offering me part time/temp work! This means I can work to fill the lonely time and dig out of this financial quagmire I am in. Life will be good again. My stomach still has that dull ache that accompanies not just depression but this weird anxiety that I've been dealing with but I know it will all be okay. If only I could train Giovanni to say "every little thing, gonna be alright" and stroke my hair. But; my mom and sis were both pretty excited for me and I celebrated by charging (I know but this ain't an overnight fix and the bank says no more bounced checks) some food at target and new undies for my nieces because the hairbows I got them for Easter just didn't seem like enough. I also got in a quick workout and was at 127.6 which put a smile on my face although I haven't felt attractive or sexual in days. I'm gonna end the night with a puff and some reading and like Scarlett says "after all, tomorrow is a new day" (I think she said that)

Welcome home, Ulcer!

Twists. And knots. Ugh. Very nervous lately and last night I downed the rest of my bismuth before bed. My tummy was distended and blessing me with the kind of "issue" that leaves one doubled over in pain. My mom knows something is wrong and I promised I'd call her after House MD (we both watch) but instead I took 2 Klonopin and went back and from from bed to toilet until I could finally drift off. Not to mention the headache that had me eating motrin then tylenol and still pounding as if from inside. I dozed off with said headache but today was not so bad. My nose won't stop running but I took some Claritin and a single V as I am out and David (my source) is heading to Vegas and forgot that I might NEED some. I'm sure he just overlooked it. Must have been an honest mistake. Nice guy.

But- the good news is that I got an "atta boy" from my boss! This whole hard work thing is kind of fun. Makes me feel better about the calls from Comcast and GMAC regarding past due payments. And that pesky note/eviction notice on the door of my shitty apartment? No big deal, right? I can come up with the rest of April's rent in 7 days even though I don't get paid again til the 18th? Hmmm... Time to return that guy's call that wanted me to do "adult erotic photos"...

Nice- a dinner with David turned into a fight bc I started a trend of animal photos being shown to the bartender and he was sick of the "Courtney Show" and me being an ungrateful bitch. Thanks. The night ended in tears and him dragging his suitcase out of here( I was going to take him to and fro the airport) and basically telling me that I'm just a terrible person. I have cried and I am so sick of men hating me for everything except the warm, wet hole that gets their dick wet. Good night, cruel world. I know this will pass.

The downside of single life.

I'm lonely. It's official. A Sunday spent alone and unable to get anyone to hang out with me is pretty sobering. Even E, who never says no said no to me today. And- I was hoping that he would supply me with some coke and adderol. Wah. I really want someone to cuddle with me today. It is the Sunday of my period which always means it stops and then starts again so it is heavy and I can't fuck but I really crave human interaction. I have been sleeping as much as possible. Idle time murders me. Days like today leave me feeling empty and worthless. I beg for someone to serve me tea and wrap their arms around my 25.5" waist but the only male who wants to be around me right now is Giovanni.

Ugh- 7:02! It's only 7:02! I'm so ready for this awful day to be over. David was kind enough to extend a half hearted invite for me to come over tonight and I am almost desperate enough to take it. However, we are getting snow so I can't because it would extend my 15 min drive to over an hour. E still doesn't want to hang. Married guy can't text because his wife his home. S hasn't bothered to contact me because he knows I'm on the rag and doesn't like blow jobs. J is "working" which usually means sleeping with someone younger than me and lying to me about it. My girlfriends are all otherwise involved. My sis is busy with the kids. My dad is doing taxes. I AM SO FUCKING ALONE. If I had an Ambien I could fade to black but E is my Ambien source and he wants nothing to do with me. I've eaten everything I have that is mildly low cal and I think that maybe if I lose a few pounds it would help how I feel. The hot Mexican guy was nice enough to send me a picture of his cock- whoo hoo! Little tiny C was nice enough to offer to smoke with me and when I told him I don't want to get physical it was retracted. If I wasn't broke I could maybe do something but this is rock bottom.

8:45 fighting with J. This is fun.

4.4.09

Saturday. Final Four. My lower back hurts from not getting out of bed for about 12 hours. Was in bed my 10 last night and have had the hardest time making anything happen today. My less than quarterly (hormone altered) period is here so no vaginal sex until Wed or Thurs. Wah. Yes, I still have my ass and mouth but I feel so unsexy when I'm on the rag. However, it is a nice respite for the kitty since she has been getting her share of visitors lately. Maybe that's the real reason Mother Nature invented periods. Fuck fertility- the pussy probably petitioned for a break from all of the constant abuse! Well, she got it but it cost her two of her dearest pals: anus and throat. Oh well, there is a camaraderie nonetheless since they all have to work as a team to keep the machine running. And that's just the sex organs! I have yet to ask the liver, pancreas or kidneys how they feel about the constant stream of V and other miscellaneous toxins that they have been battling since their home starting drinking at 12, popping acid at 14, and doing coke and pills at 15. Hey-at least they made it through that nasty bout of Anorexia at age 11 that left her "near comatose". Turns out that 83 pounds is too light for a growing adolescent girl of 5'6", who knew????

Anyway- that's all for now, gotta get some chores done so that I can start celebrating!!! Go team! Yeah, basketball!!!