Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thoughts
After a week of feeling increasingly icky and blue; I am starting to come out of it. And, I'm starting to think. About stuff. All kinds of stuff. What do I want? Who am I? Who am I presenting myself to others as? Why after all of these years, all of the things I've learned and experienced am I still pissing away my pain and thoughts on seeking validation from others? This week- I was feeling more alone than ever. Yes- it is selfish; I have others to think of and am lucky for many things. Like the "accident" this week. No description of this event will come close to experiencing it and I hesitate to even attempt to describe it. Perhaps I'll hold off for now. Basically- I spun through rush hour, full speed traffic in broad daylight. The car spun around and faced oncoming traffic. I'll approach an entire essay about it but it is almost cliche to describe it. Anyway- this is the second of the type and I wound up unharmed again. This should have been enough to snap me out of it but maybe this wasted week of feeling sorry for myself was good to detox from these false exchanges that have fueled so much of my self worth. 1:36 am sat nite/sun morning. I'll come back to this...
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Honey. I love you so. I cannot believe you're out there spinning and spinning and no one is holding on to you. I am so sorry that I've been so absent and wrapped up in my own tragedies. I know my advice never really changes, but ... We all have to learn to focus on the things that will give us long-lasting happiness and health. Those quick fixes--drugs and cocks and such ; )--should be few and far between. And, uh, just 'cause I'm finally commenting, can I just say that with your blog, you have proven two things to me that I always suspected were true: you are an amazing writer and story-teller and just as good on "paper" as you are, uh, orally, and ... I always knew I would worry until my head spun if I found out how you spend so much of your time : ( Too many drugs! Too many worthless lovers who don't deserve your sweet spirit or your sweet pussy! Take care of yourself, love. Let's make this a good year for both of us--let's help each other to be healthy and strong. And let's maybe find you a nice super butch lesbian with a super hard strap-on cock who isn't afraid to really ball--they're always good with their hands, there's no pesky refractory period, and you would be adored as you never have been, let me tell ya ; )
ReplyDeletesticking things inside yourself, no matter what, nor by whom, will not fill the emptiness. you have to find your own happiness.
ReplyDeletemodernpinups, was your comment directed to me? Because I could not agree with you more! I was a little nagged, myself, by ending my comment with that bit of "advice", but I finally decided, "What the hell." It wasn't exactly serious--she really doesn't swing that way--but I also thought it was not bad advice if our friend is, indeed, going to keep on ballin'. Which, you know, she is and did ; )
ReplyDeleteDitto what TB said. None of those guys deserve you, you are so much better than that, but more than that I worry about how everything you're putting into your body is going to affect your heart - in both senses. It's going to be broken and physically ruined. I'll run the risk of sounding like I'm lecturing if it means that you know I care.
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