Woe is me!

Am I unhappy or do I just like being a damsel in distress? I'm not sure and I'm not sure if I want to know. Without the drama, the bipolar (to blame what I can't blame on the drugs), the "I'm such a mess" what do I really have? A good friend and I once talked about our depression and how it is such a part of our life that he likened it to a nice warm blanket. Another friend recently quit V and said he was sick of being addicted, to which I replied "I'm not ready to give up addiction just yet- some days it's all I have". My first serious boyfriend once noticed that I am very fond of looking at the past and thinking about how great things were back then- but never living in the moment. I went on to learn that in dime store psychology we call this roseyintrospection- as in looking at the past with rose coloured glasses on. When my shrink and I decided to come up with positive affirmations one of them was "stop and smell the roses" which I honestly rarely do. I do have a bank of warm, fuzzy memories that I go to sometimes, if you take a left at the door labeled "Courtney's erotic material" and zig zag down the hall you will find it across from the closet containing my saddest memories. I opened up the sad ones once for a shoot with Johnny Flamethrower in which we wanted to do something tearful and sexy. However, it quickly turned to blubbering and wailing and he had to stop shooting to comfort me. We did publish a post tear pic called "after the tears" but it wasn't the sexy, Natalie Portman in Closer that I had hoped for. I like all of my memories but I would love to lock out some of those forever. I had one pop in my head that is sad but because my sis in such a great place it doesn't crush me like some of the others.

My oldest neice was 2 and a half and my youngest was a few weeks old. I was leaving the doc after my first pre-surgery physical (this was pre implant so I was still an A cup. that's an awful memory in itself!). I called her on my way into work and she casually mentioned that she was getting a divorce. It hit me worse than any failed relationship of my own ever has and ever will. I sobbed like a baby while my sister had to tell me through her own tears not to come over crying bc Sophia would see us crying and be upset and confused. (Sophia- 2.5) She was so strong and I was so sick over the whole thing. How could this happen? Our parents are still together and I always thought she would have her own fairy tale. Then I felt guilt. Why didn't I pick up on this? Is this karma for all of the things I've done?

I called in sick to work that day and arrived at her place kind of shocked and dazed as she was. The rest of the day is pretty fuzzy aside from the two of us trying to figure out what to do. I had tapped out most or all of my bank account helping her in the past and was about to drop my last 5k on tits. Our dad was starting radiation so we didn't want to freak him out. She couldn't get child support without a divorce without a divorce lawyer without a retainer. We pulled into the local coin and gold (which we thought as a step up from a pawn shop) and I waited with the kids while she went in to find out how much they would give her for her ring so that she could pay rent. I'm pretty sure it was about 800 bucks but I'm not sure if she sold it that very same day and I've never really talked to her about it since.